I know it's practically been an eternity since I last blogged but lately I've just had the urge to write a blog. So much has been going on lately and I have all these feelings and thoughts and I feel like if I write them down maybe a weight will be lifted or I'll feel better.
As all of you probably know, in the beginning of December my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This is not news that anyone ever wants to hear and I know that for me it was the most shocking thing ever. I felt winded and alone. Nothing could have prepared me for that. The week following the diagnosis was a crazy whirlwind. Mom was in the hospital for about a week, she had scans and tests done constantly, there was biopsy taken of the tumor, family flew in and out. It was just really busy. After the family was all gone Jerusha and I went to the hospital everyday to visit mom and have lunch with dad. Talia, Jerusha, and I decided that we needed to do something for mom so that she would know how much we cared. We bought four simple heart necklaces and gave one of course to mom. All four of us wear them everyday and we will until mom is completely better. There are days where I just sit here and finger it and somehow it makes me feel better. I don't know why or how, but it's a comfort.
After the initial shock we kind of got into a routine. Mom went into the hospital every other week from Tuesday to Friday for her chemo treatments and she was doing really well. We were hopeful, cheerful even. There were of course hard days. Days when you could tell all of us were tired and sad, but through all of it we had the comfort of our Savior and that sustained us. Not to mention things were looking so good. The tumor had decreases by almost 95%. How could we not be happy about that?
Then you know that just a couple weeks ago we discovered that mom's tumor had grown back by a very substantial amount. That day was horrible. Seriously. It just kept going through my head, "how much more of this can we take?" I felt like it was bad news after bad news. It was hard. It sucked. That's what we're living with right now. We're making decisions about what we should do and what kind of treatments should take place. It's hard to always be happy and cheerful. It's hard to always wear a smiling face when you're scared and sad on the inside.
But you know what? We'll get through this too. God is not going to give us more then we can handle. He will see us through this just as He has seen us through all other events in our lives.
And you know what helps? All the amazing people in my life. Seriously. There really aren't words to express my thankfulness to all the people who have been so wonderful. Some of them don't even say anything. Sometimes its that extra hug they give you that just says that they're there for you. Maybe it's them getting their shift covered at work so they can come be with you. It's the best friend who answers whenever you call or text so that she can be there for you. It's the sister who knows exactly what I'm going through and how to comfort me. Everybody is so great. I really wouldn't know how to handle this all without them.
Talia and I were talking one day about how some people seem to think that after you're used to the circumstances, you're fine. That you're totally able to talk to them about everything and you can be cheerful about it. I know they don't mean to be insensitive but sometimes it feels like that and you know when they ask how you're doing, they don't expect you to actually pour your heart out to them. So Talia says to find those few people that you know you can always be honest with you and who you can share everything with, who you can cry with, and who won't judge you for the breakdowns you have every now and then. And that's what I've done. I have my few people that I can always talk to and that helps so much.
So that's kind of what it's been like lately. It's up and down all the time. Sometimes I'm happy and hopeful, but sometimes I wake up and it all comes down on me and I have a mini breakdown. It can seem like too much handle sometimes, but then I immerse myself in Scripture and talk to those people and it gets better.
We have a great God and I know He's gonna see my mom through this. With all the emotions I go through I can't even imagine what it must be like for my mom. I don't want her to be scared, I don't want her to have to suffer. I want her to be able to do all the things she loves. I want her to be 100% healthy again. So that's what I'll keep praying for. And I'll keep fingering this little heart around my neck until that health is achieved.
Thanks for listening to me.
I love my mom. She's amazing.
